First off, I’m sick.  I’m running a fever and my eyes are watery and I’m coughing and it’s just gross.  I blame my friends who I babysat for on Saturday night.  Their children are just walking infestations of all sorts of illnesses that we adults have no immune system for since we don’t go to school anymore, or have any kids.  I dislike this, greatly.

Also, the house that Katina and I are supposed to move into, we’re supposed to get the keys tomorrow, but the lady has gone radio silent on us so now I don’t know if we’re actually getting the keys.  Kind of annoying…

But all of that doesn’t matter, because I am super psyched about one thing that is going on in my life, and that is my budding career as a DJ.  Yes – you heard that right, apparently I have a budding career as a DJ.  Let me tell you how this all started… a month or so ago, I did a Saturday during the game at Jimmy’s – and then I did a Sunday night, and of course, I posted this all to facebook.  Well, life is all about who you know, not what you know, and apparently I know a bunch of people who have DJ companies.

They of course, hit me up, and now I’ve got a couple gigs booked at various places in the DC area over the next month or two – which is pretty much awesome.  I find it super humorous that I got a bunch of DJ gigs without really having any real experience just based on my name alone.  (And the fact that they know I learned from [redacted] who has a ton of experience.)

Which, is also a super humorous part of this.  One of the things I always told [redacted] was that he should make more for what he does as a DJ than he actually does.  The couple gigs I already have lined up, I am going to make significantly more than he currently does, which cracks me up.  It almost proves that I’m always right.  (I wonder what I would be making if I had his experience?)

Anyways, I’m super psyched about that – and I’m ordering chinese take out as soon as the place opens for my fever.  Life is good.

So, my life is pretty much the most awesome thing ever right now.  I have amazing friends, and I keep meeting amazing new friends in all new places.  There’s not a night where I’m not out doing something with someone, and I’ve got a million nets to catch me should I fall.  I am truly loved, for who I am, by so many people right now and it makes my life so bright and gives me the strength to keep moving every day.  I couldn’t have asked for anything more than this in life.  It’s beautiful, and sometimes I find myself stunned by the moments as they pass by because I can’t believe that I got from where I was, to where I am now.

Like last night, was an epic night in Georgetown at Mr. Smith’s Piano Bar.  There were shots, there were bottles of wine, delicious food, old friends, best friends, and new friends.  There was gymnastics outside the bar, public urination, trying to escape some bicycle cops because we were so loud, and everything that I had been missing for the past year and a half.  It was, as they say, a night to remember.

On the way home though, there was a part of the drive where my life flashed before my eyes, and all I could think was one thing, or one person.  My brain started thing how much I wanted that person to be with me at that moment in time.  How much I wanted that person to enjoy this life with me like they used to.

I know it’s not possible, because that’s life.  You can’t have everything you want – and right now the rest of my life is so great, I just have to live without this person.

But wouldn’t it be nice if that wasn’t the case?

I have some truly spectacular friends.  These are the kind of friends that really make you feel blessed in your life because you have found like minded people that make your world brighter because they are in it.  Let’s start with Mary.

Mary is my twin.  Well not really, because she’s how ever many years younger than me, but looking at this girl is like looking at a younger version of myself.  I mean, all the proof you need with this is that she’s the only other person in the world that I know of that goes to a movie theater and buys popcorn, and Reeces Pieces, and puts them together.  (Yeah, we know we’re freaks.)

So yesterday, Mary and I planned a date with ourselves.

me: MAKE A DECISION ABOUT TOMORROW
also that plan is out for tonight with the plane
so do you want to goto the movies with me
we can have a date

Mary: sure thing! pick a fucking movie though
or I’m going to punch my date in the face

me: Ouch! burn!
Raven or 5 Year Engagement
I’m leaning towrads Raven cause i dislike rom coms
thoughts?

Mary: I really want to see the raven
5 year engagement has jason segal though
and he’s fucking hilarious

me: Yeah, but I need to keep him in Marshall land right now until the season finale otherwise the entire movie I’ll be screaming WHO DOES BARNEY MARRY TELL ME.

Mary: the raven it is!

Unfortunately Mary had to get her ass beat by her trainer at the gym before the movie, so April picked me from work and we went to happy hour at Friday’s – where Mary met up with us.  (And can I just say Friday’s happy hour prices are awesome?  Our entire tab for the 3 of us was only $35.)  We laughed, we told stories, planned our adult spring break, and I ran into a friend who said, “You’ll have to tell me how the Raven is, or wait, I’ll just read it on your blog.”  Then we went to the movie.

Buying our tickets for the movie and our popcorn?  We decided that we shouldn’t be allowed out in public together because I might have something to the effect that movie popcorn without butter is a torture technique they use in Abu Ghraib… and then we made our way to the theater.  We sat in the back… even though we didn’t need to because there was only two other people in there who talked through the entire thing too…

The Raven as a movie?  I give it a 5 / 10.  The Raven as a movie to watch with your two best friends and do your own commentary on?  I give it a 10/10.  Things which were said out loud in the theater for us:

Mary:  He’s got fucked up teeth!

Stephanie:  Oh, that bitch is TOAST.

April:  Ugh!
Stephanie:  Yeah, that is no good.
Mary:  Ohmigod, thank god the other people are talking too.

And somehow, the moral of the story of the entire night?  That we need a camera crew following us at all times.  MTV ARE YOU READING THIS?  Mary, April and I are your next Jersey Shore.  I’m telling you.

I could write a post about the fact that pretty much everything in my life sucks right now because I’m the biggest human push over in the history of human push overs.  I mean, I pretty much let people walk all over me on a daily basis.  This is a problem, and really I need to go back to being a mega-bitch and calling everyone out on their bullshit and looking out for numereo uno.

Of course, this would involve me basically screwing over a large group of people who are in theory my friends – but really, are they my friends when they don’t want to help me out and they consistantly put their needs in front of mine?  (I don’t think so.)

Instead, I’m going to go the uplifting route though.

You see, Jenna Marbles, a well known video blogger posted something to the internet called “What Hip Hop Taught Me”.  It basically calls out all the ridiculous things that rappers talk about in their songs and is slightly amusing.  Go ahead, watch the video:

Now that you’ve watched the video, let me explain… you see, on facebook, I often write one word sentences that have come out of rap songs.  A lot of the times, people that I’m friends with like these status and then repost them not even knowing they are coming from rap songs.  So here are the things that hip hop taught me – and all of you by proxy, without you even knowing it:

Drake has taught me:

“A chance is like a picture, it’d be nice if you just take it.”  

“The hardest part about the f***ing business is minding your own.”  

‘Lil Wayne has taught me: 

“Today I went shopping and talk is still cheap.”  

“Life is a beach, I’m just playing in the sand.”

“I don’t go around fire expecting not to sweat.”   

“You can keep knockin’, but won’t knock me down.”

Biggie taught me:

“Sky is the limit and you know that you keep on, just keep on pressin on.  Sky is the limit and you know that you can have what you want, be what you want.”

Tupac taught me: 

“But please don’t cry, dry your eyes, never let up.  Forgive but don’t forget, girl keep your head up.”

Eminem taught me: 

“I’m standing up, I’m gonna face my demons, I’m manning up, I’m gonna hold my ground.  I’ve had enough, now I’m so fed up, time to put my life back together right now.”

“I’m not going to let someone else’s coffin rest on my conscious.”

D12 taught me:

Well, shit – you wanna know what D12 taught me?  That this song is life:

After all the years we’ve been down, ain’t no way – no how. This bullshit can’t be true. We’re family, ain’t a damn thing changed, unless it’s you.

So, while wrapping up my work day yesterday I saw a friend post a status on facebook that read:

“Anyone up for catching Nats game tonight?”

I was feeling particularly chipper, so I decided to like the status and then post:

“Now you’ll have to wonder if my like is a yes, or just that I like the idea of catching the Nat’s game with you… HMMMMM”

At the time, I wasn’t really planning on going to the Nationals game.  After all, yesterday was the Herndon Town Council Election and I had a victory party to go to.  (Only, at the time I didn’t know it was a victory party, it was just a party to wait for the results to come in, and I haven’t missed one in years.)  But somewhere between the banter on facebook and a couple text messages, I actually ended up going to the National’s game with this friend instead of the victory party.

You see, he wanted to go because apparently he’s really into baseball and it was Bryce Harper‘s first home game for the Nationals – and apparently Bryce Harper was a number 1 draft pick or something of the sort.  Honestly, if this was hockey or football I could have told you the actual stats, but it’s baseball and I don’t really follow baseball.  I actually consider myself a Brewer’s fan because they’re the team from Wisconsin and hello, they support beer!  So we ended up in fabulous seats right behind where Harper was playing in the out field, right next to a girl who was there with her boyfriend.  (They have season tickets and I got her name and number – so I’m sure there will be more National’s games in my future.)    We got a few beers, and watched the National’s lose.

Honestly, it was probably the most fun I’ve had being out and about with someone not Allie, April, Mary or Brett in months.

But here’s the kicker… we’re walking back to his car at the metro, and I admit to him that one of the major reasons I’m staying away from guys in general is that I don’t think the sex will get any better.  That I’ve had the best, and there’s no point in trying again because why settle for second best in life.

He didn’t even look at me, but he said, “That’s not true, you know I’ve thought that too, and then there’s always someone better after.”

I kinda laughed, but for the first time since the break up, I actually believed it.

And that my friends, is progress.

Of course, this was my horrorscope when I got up this morning:

Ahhh, hopefully it is wrong.

Yesterday we discussed the unemployment rates of men and women, and how men are unemployed at a larger number than women are.

Today, we’re going to discuss how for the first time in American history, women are actually making more than men.

It’s true.  Yes, we know that women on average make less than men per hour for the same job, in fact, a recent study said that women in Maryland earned 83 cents on the dollar as compared to their male counterparts. [ Source ]  In fact, according to the study, “Using 2010 census data as well as 2011 figures from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, the National Partnership analysis estimated that if the yearly gap between Maryland men’s and women’s median pay disappeared — a difference of $9,842 — working women could funnel that income into living expenses equaling 1.7 years worth of groceries, more than 2,400 gallons of gas or five months’ worth of mortgage and utility payments.”

However, that ship is turning around in two different ways.  Recent studies have shown in the biggest cities in America –  unmarried, childless women under 30 are on average earning 8% more than men for the same jobs.  ”But the new study suggests that the gap is bigger than previously thought, with young women in New York City, Los Angeles and San Diego making 17%, 12% and 15% more than their male peers, respectively. And it also holds true even in reasonably small areas like the Raleigh-Durham region and Charlotte in North Carolina (both 14% more), and Jacksonville, Fla. (6%).”  [ Source ]  (It should be noted that women who are married, or with child even of the same age are still under earning.)

A large part of this is because some of the top earning jobs are jobs that women are excelling at because of differences between the genders.  For example, sales positions, advertising positions, and legal typically earn women more than men because women are perceived to have a closer attention to detail by recruiters than their male counterparts.  [ Source ]  Also, interestingly enough, because clerical jobs are commonly held by women you would think that the rare man in the field would make more.   “However, in the case of clerical positions, women can make up to 28 percent more than men would.  As most people trust the detail and accuracy that is perceived to come from a female who functions in a clerical job, companies will offer more competitive salaries to women.”

The second factor contributing to this is that, we as women are employed more than our male counterparts.  We work more hours than they do, and that has made it so that for the time in American history, the gross amount of dollars earned by women is higher than the gross amount of dollars earned by men.  When you put that all together, it is not such a surprise that 1/3 of women are now earning more than their husbands.  [ Source ]   For the first time in American history – women ARE the breadwinners of the family.

It is interesting to note that just because men are not bread winners though, does not mean they have picked up their household duties.  A recent survey shows that only 3 per cent of married women spend fewer than three hours a week on housework, with almost half doing 13 hours or more.  [ Source ]  In addition, women who earn more than their husbands actually end up doing significantly more around the house than their male counterparts.  [ Source ] So when you think about it that way, most women are actually working 40 hours a week, and adding an additional 13 hours on top of that of housework – be it cooking, cleaning and / or doing the laundry.   That doesn’t even include the amount of time spent on child care – which I suspect would raise the numbers even higher.

It should be noted I’m not sure how single parent families are counted in this study – so a woman who is a single parent does 100% of the household chores, but a woman who has a husband who might only do 75%?  However, this begs the question – if women are doing most of the housework still, and women are making more than more than men because they are working more hours, what exactly are the men in their life doing?  According a recent international survey, men spend more time watching TV, hanging out with their friends at bars, playing sports and pursuing hobbies than their female counterparts — particularly in wealthy countries like Britain, France, Italy and America.

Is this women’s fault though?  While speaking with some coworkers on the issue at hand, many of the guys claimed that their women (or women they know) play up the role of Susie Homemaker to snag a guy, but then complain when the guy doesn’t take more responsibility.   They consider this a change of terms in the original relationship agreement and a “dirty little trick”.  It was talked about the idea of “sex mom’s” or “sex maid’s” as something that women perceive guys want – but that is not necessarily the case.

What say you internet?

Some days my life can pretty epic.  Then, there’s entire weekends that are epic.  These are the kind of weekends I haven’t had in forever, in fact, I had almost forgotten what they were like.

You see, Friday night, we had a girls night in with vanilla vodka and coke playing Clue with Mary, MP, and April.   I’ve never played clue and I won – but I could tell you who it was.  (I think it was Mr. Green, in the ballroom, with the lead pipe.)

Then, on Saturday morning I called Faith and we hit O’Sullivan’s for brunch, and went to Ross to do some clothes shopping.  Faith and I both got some seriously cute clothes for the upcoming summer months, and in addition, I got some fabric that Faith is going to sew into a Faith original for me.  (Because I am like the worlds worst sewer.  Really.)

Faith dropped me off at my house, where Allie picked me up and we went to Best Buy to get me a new TV for the living room.  There, I flirted with the guy helping me and because of my excellent flirting skills, he ended up giving me an additional discount which is how I got this TV for $371 (tax included).

Last night I had some of my closest girl friends over and the entire purpose of the party, besides getting together girls who hardly see each other – was to make a penis meatloaf as I had some penis cake pans and Allie wanted to make a meatloaf.  Unfortunately, returning to Safeway the penis pan was gone.

Let me put this out there by saying that I’ve never made a meatloaf in my entire life.  I don’t know why – but it’s just never something I’ve thought to make on my own.  My mother used to make meatloaf all the time when my brother and I were kids, but left to my own devices I typically do goulash or hamburger helper instead.

Now, the other purpose of this night was to drink – and we did some pretty epic drinking.  You see, we got frozen fruit, champagne and wine – and were making drinks that tasted delicious in wine glasses and watching my new TV – and around 10:00PM at night we realized that we hadn’t made the penis meatloaf yet…

Now – keep in mind, we’re already slightly drunk at this point when you look at our penis meatloaf creation.

And let me tell you, that penis meatloaf (although it clearly needed a shave) was the most delicious thing I had ever tasted.  Maybe it was the alcohol but it was so good…

Now, I’m awake, and I have to get ready for Allie to pick me up and we’re heading to DC for the Chinese Take Out Experiment at the Rock and Roll Hotel.

Basically, after all I’ve been through in the past few weeks, with backstabbing bitches, I’ve had the most awesome weekend with the most awesome females in the entire world.  My life is seriously blessed.

Let me tell you about a game girls like to play, and I’ve come across it twice in the past few months and every time I do it makes me want to bash someones skull into a wall.  I typically say  it’s when someone is playing both sides against the middle… and here’s the definition from here:

Play both ends against the middle  (American informal)
To try to make two people or groups compete with each other in order to get an advantage for yourself.

Like I said, two people have done this in the past couple months, and they typically get away with it because they have an excuse… you know what their excuse is?

“I don’t like confrontation, I’m just trying to be friends with everyone.”

You know what that actually means?  While she’s sitting there talking shit about your ex to you, she’s also sitting there talking shit about you to your ex.  And if your ex is a vindictive son of a bitch it’s always going to come out, because they’ll use it against you.

For instance, Zack decided to throw it my face that one of our mutual friends was constantly talking shit about me to him.  Apparently, all she does is say that if she had to choose she’d pick him because he doesn’t make her choose.  When I first got these lovely text messages from Zack, I went to her and asked her what the deal is, because hey, I go straight to the source.  She denied – responding back that she knows I never made her choose, and she never said that.  Then Zack hit me up with other stuff she was saying, and one of those was something I told her in confidence (and only her) which the only way Zack could have gotten it was if she told him – so I guess that blows her denials out of the water.

This is where you guys would be proud of me, because my first reaction, the thing I wanted to do straight with my gut was to send Zack every single text message (which I still have) of all the shitty things she’s said about him to me (of which there are many) but instead, my response back was, “I guess she’s not a good friend to either of us.”

But you know what, this is actually my fault, because this isn’t the first time this has happened with her.  It’s the third over the course of six years – with three different people.  As far as I’m concerned I’m taking a three strikes and you’re out kind of rule – because who needs someone in their life who acts like they’re your friend to your face, and talks shit about you the moment they get the chance?  At least the shit talking I do on this blog is something that I’ve already said to their face by the time I write this.

So, I told her to kick rocks – and I’m okay with that.  Actually, I’m kind of glad it happened this way because every time I come in contact with someone of this nature I realize how sad their lives, and the lives of the people who follow them around like lost puppies are.  People should have the power of conviction and the courage to stand behind the words they’ve said – regardless of the pain it might cause someone else.   People who do this – who play both sides against the middle and don’t own up to their own opinions, or even worse, only have a opinion that matches the person they are talking to at the moment – are wastes of the air the rest of us breathe.

But let me drop notice on everyone, she’s the only one who got three strikes.  The rest of y’all are only getting one.

Ahhh, Sunday.  Sunday during the fall and some of the winter is a day full of football, and April and I sitting at a bar screaming, “Cut him off at the knee caps!”  Since there is no football on Sunday anymore, April and Mary and I decided to go to the bar anyway.

We started with mimosa’s but drank the bar out of champagne, so we moved to whipped vodka and orange juice.  Then we left the bar and went to April and Mary’s where we continued with cotton candy vodka and orange juice, a metric shit ton of jello shots with rum, and the most amazing creation ever – pudding with cake vodka added.

(The pudding with cake vodka was my favorite because we just sat out on the balcony with the bowl, passing it between the four of us as we had some awesome girl talk.)

We played video games, and killed zombies, did dance games with the kinect, and then kinect adventures.  In fact, we’re in the process of learning Baby, One More Time so that we can do it at the bar.  We got so hot playing the kinect games that by the time EQ showed up to pick up his girlfriend, we were just in our bra’s and shorts.  We plan on making this an every Sunday thing because it was pretty much the best day ever.  I honestly don’t think I’ve laughed that hard since Zack and I broke up, for real – and I totally thank these ladies for that.

But then I got home… to my empty house because Jen left yesterday with no text, no notice, just packed up her shit and peaced out.  She didn’t even say goodbye to anyone in the house.  I’m laying in the bed that Zack and I shared for so long and I’m trying to hold back the tears.  You see, Saturday night was very different than Sunday was for me – Saturday night the “Zack Hate Brigade” as I have now taken to calling them came out in full force.

The Zack Hate Brigade is the name for any of the people that Zack manages to piss off on any given night when he’s drinking.  Typically, they contact me sometime around 1am to 2am to bitch about something Zack has done to them and their lectures typically go something like this:

“I can’t believe you dated that guy!  He is such a dick, you are so much better off!”

I apologize for his behavior and tell them that I have faith he’ll get through whatever he’s going through and just give him time.  Or, if it’s a couple of these calls in (like happened on Saturday night) I just tell them, “Oh my god I know, he’s such a douche!”  (Seriously, I’m not going to put on here what he did on Sunday, but it legitimately makes me question his sanity and his stance on his personal welfare.)

I guess the reason why I’m so close to crying tonight isn’t because he isn’t here – but because he’ll never be here again.  You see, I kept thinking that it’s just a phase he’s going through, this isn’t the real Zack – the real Zack is the guy I knew for pretty much the whole time we dated who made me so ridiculously happy day in and day out.  But today, hanging out with my friends again made me realize that Zack was always this person – and that’s why my friends stopped hanging out with me.  The only thing was, I didn’t see it because he wasn’t always this person with me – he let his guard down a lot and let me see the real him.  At this point though, he’s pushed that guy so far down he doesn’t exist anymore.  This version of Zack, who doesn’t care about his friends, about his life and his health is the real Zack now.  And I have to accept that, and move on.

The problem is, I don’t know how to do that.  Everybody keeps telling me I need a distraction, and the best way to get over someone is to get under somebody else, and it’s not that I don’t have offers because let me go ahead and list the last five text messages in my phone from tonight:

1.  You, me, rope and a bed.  Make it happen.
2.  What are you doing tonight?  Hopefully me?
3.  You can come over and cuddle with me if you want.
4.  I need a back rub, you should come over and do that.
5.  I can come get you from your place and take you to work in the morning if that’s what you’re worried about.

So it’s not that I don’t have tons of offers, from tons of guys… and some of these guys are people that at one point of my life I would have jumped at the chance to get these messages from.   They aren’t Zack though – and that’s what I don’t know how to get over.  That’s what I’m afraid I’ll never get over.

Even though I know he’s all wrong for me.

So, a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away…

I jest, it was actually about two and a half years ago at this point, but I was living with my parents hanging out in my room ignoring everyone in my life playing World of Warcraft.  I pretty much didn’t hang out with anyone because I was just so over life in general.  Then one day browsing OKCupid for something totally different I ran across this guy Mike’s profile… and decided to send him a message.  What ensued was a pretty shitty not really relationship with tears on my part and frustration on his part – but now we’re to the point where he is one of my best friends.  (Even though he constantly complains that I don’t come to Fairfax enough to see him.)

The thing about Mike is that he has all these words of wisdom that he shares with me relating to dating.  Most of them are silly and I laugh at – but some of them are so profound that they’ve managed to stick with me well past the time that we were actually together.  It’s these little words of wisdom that I am going to share with you.

So for today’s first lesson we have Mike’s views on sending text messages, chats, or anything of that sort to the opposite sex:

Mike:  Every time a guy contacts you first he wants to bang you
Stephanie:  Oh?  Even you?
Mike:  Yes, it doesn’t mean I will but it means somewhere in the back of my mind I want to.

 (That conversation is actually paraphrased because part of when we stopped dating involved me cleaning out my gchat history with him.)

So  a side effect to Mike telling me this is that every time some guy messages me first from the minute he said that, I’ve been wondering… is he sending this message because he subconsciously wants to bang me?  In addition, any time I’ve sent a message to any other guy first, I’ve wondered if the reason why is because I subconsciously wanted to sleep with them.

So after a couple years with this knowledge, I can totally say yes, it is true.  Anytime I’ve contacted someone of the opposite sex there is some sort of sexual attraction that is going on.  From the girl side, it’s not as simple as me just wanting to sleep with them – I might need some sort of validation of some form because I’m feeling down on myself and using the guy to get it… or maybe I actually do want to get some biblical action going on with them but I’m afraid to actually voice it.  The point is, Mike is right – every time I’ve messaged a guy first – it’s because there’s something about them I need that relates to my sexuality or my self esteem because otherwise, I’d just text one of my girls.

(Note:  This used to get me in trouble with Zack because he said the entire time that I was talking to Mike when we were dating, it was basically the equivalent of cheating because Mike wanted to bang me in Zack’s mind.  Looking back on it now, if Zack had been giving me what I needed most of the time I wouldn’t have had to talk to Mike – since most of our chat logs are about me complaining about Zack.)  

I obviously can’t say if this is true from the guys point of view, but I imagine from my experience that when a guy messages me first – it’s definitely the case.  In fact, doing a quick scan through my incoming text messages they break down like this:

- 12 Threads with girls that are friends of mine who are exempt from this on basis of being the same sex
- 7 Threads of people telling me what Zack is doing at Jimmy’s or something similar (3 of them being guys who probably would try and sleep with me)
- 5 Threads with guys that I have never dated, and would never date, who I know are currently trying to get at me
- 2 Threads with guys that I messaged first that in another time and place I totally would hit it
- 2 Threads with guys I used to date that I messaged first
- 2 Threads with guys I used to date that messaged me first
- 2 Threads with family members 
- 2 Threads with gay guys who are exempt from this 

So what do you think guys, if you send a message to a girl first is it because you want to sleep with her?