I should have written today. In fact, I had planned to do nothing but sit down and write Savior. Instead, I woke up and discovered that a ton of cars (like 100+) in our neighborhood got their tires slashed last night – and then I spent all day playing Borderlands II with Eurymakos. When we finished so he could go watch the Ravens, I sent him a text that said:
“Just an FYI, tomorrow night you’re coming to play games with me and spending the night so bring your shit and please don’t argue. Kthxbi.”
I know that even though I sent that text message, he’s not going to bring stuff to spend the night. He’s just going to pretend he didn’t get it, or make up some excuse like, “I have to go to the gym,” and then I’ll probably get upset and send him an email being like, “I’m done, I’m done” but then he’ll find some new way to convince me I’m not really done – even though he won’t see it that way – especially since we’re more or less forced to see each other every day. And thus, the cycle continues.
The hilarity of this situation is not lost on me. I mean, his huge argument for us not dating initially was that he was too scared I would break up with him again. But as of tomorrow, I’ve spent more time in this limbo situation than I actually did dating him. I was sitting here on my couch thinking, it’s time for me to break the cycle and just say fuck it, I am done, for real. Then I’m like, “but if I do that, all that means is that I did bail again.” But how long am I supposed to stay in this whole friendship / pseudo relationship before he’s like, “Oh, she actually means it when she’s says she’s not going to bail.” Or more to the point – what if he’s totally changed his mind and he pretty much knows he never wants to date me – but won’t tell me? (Even though he’s promised he would.) Or – if I do move on, what if he figures it out after the fact? Then he’s just another guy who didn’t want me when I wanted them and I spend my time wondering why fate is so freakin fickle with the timing? So I end up in this never ending cycle in my head of trying to prove that I’m not going anywhere so that’s not an issue, and doing what everyone else thinks is best for me.
Relationships suck, and life would be much easier if I was born in the renascence times and someone just picked my suitor for me. Seriously.