I have reached a milestone I thought I would never reach. I have become one of the people I constantly bitch about. I am apathetic. This isn’t just a temporary thing either – I can feel it settling over me like a warm blanket and I cling to it like it’s the only thing that will keep me sane.
It started a month or so back with politics. I got tired of talking about it. Both the candidates sucked and I didn’t see the point discussing it anymore. I became apathetic and whenever someone would try to talk to me about it, I would just say the thing guaranteed to piss them off the most.
Then on Saturday, I cleaned my house and wrote this blog post about the situation. I was so fired up, but on Sunday, after I got home from picking up a whole bunch of stuff from my parents house, and I didn’t do anything with it. I was all fired up to set up the Christmas tree because hey, Christmas always makes me feel better. It’s still sitting in pieces in the living room. I didn’t unpack any of the boxes – they are still exactly where Eurymakos left them.
On Monday, I was at work, and I just didn’t care. In fact, I tweeted this:
I mean, I was sitting there, I should have been doing something but instead I was just staring at my screen. I was talking to one of my friends about the possibility of her moving in which should have made me feel super excited – instead, I felt nothing.
In the morning I was thinking about the fact that Eurymakos and I actually broke up for good on Sunday and we’re not talking – felt nothing. I get to the office, where he’s at and walk by him expecting to feel a pang of regret, or guilt, or something. Nope, no feelings there, just an empty space.
Later Monday night I get into bed. I’m like, hey, I know what will make me feel something! Grab my vibrator, turn on some youporn, and what do I feel? Nothing! No excited, no desire to do anything like that. So instead I just lay there and think about the fact that apparently I am broken.
I am feeling absolutely nothing. My world is a whole bunch of nothing.
In fact, the only sort of something that I’ve felt since Thursday was when Green Bay wonb and when Katina and Leo did the zombies on my door. Yes – football and zombies were the only thing that broke me out of my shell of numbness for a while.
I’m wondering if I should go see a neurologist about this. They say one of the major things to watch for after a concussion is mood swings. The problem is, I’m not having mood swings – I’m just feeling nothing. And what is a neurologist going to tell me that I don’t already know? I had the worst three weeks in the history of three weeks – maybe this is just my brain resetting and dealing with all the trauma, mental and physical that I went through. There’s something to be said for the numbness that you feel after something like that.