Human beings are ambitious. We spend so much time wanting, pursuing, wishing. For the most part, that’s okay. Ambition is good. Chasing things with integrity is good. Dreaming. As long as the chase doesn’t diminish what we already have. The goodness we take for granted. The people we take for granted. The lives we take for granted. My life is good. - Haley James Scott (One Tree Hill)
I got in a fight with a friend yesterday which pretty much ended the friendship. I suppose that I should feel a little more upset about the whole ordeal than I actually do, but really, my emotions are pretty leveled. (Which I have to say, is a pretty epic accomplishment for me.)
The situation went down like this: For about a year now, this friend has been coming up with these outlandish plans to escape the area. First, she was moving to Hawaii and saying how I should come with her, then it was California, then Florida, then some other guy was coming here to live with her, and now apparently she’s moving overseas to be with him. Throughout all of this, I’ve been largely ignoring her plans because they never actually happen (it’s like the boy who cried wolf – moving edition) and because they never directly affected me. This time they did, and this time I snapped.
It’s not like I wasn’t thinking these things every other time she came up with a new plan, it’s just, who am I to judge her on her dreams? Well apparently when you finally do speak your mind on things, friends get mad. This is particularly frustrating to me, because this is the same girl who talks often about the fact that we give each other tough love. Well, it’s more like, she gave me tough love on various things which I actually needed to hear – and I respected her for… but when I finally did give her tough love, she flipped out and wrote some passive aggressive bullshit about me on facebook. (Apparently, because she didn’t use names, it doesn’t count so I’m not going to use her name once on this blog post and we’ll see if she cares.)
One of the best things she said about me in retaliation though, was about my apparent unhappiness with my life and how apparently I’m going to be lonely forever (implied). So, I’m talking to my mom and relaying the conversations to her my mom comments:
“You know, I thought when you and Eurymakos broke up, you’d go crazy and be unhappy too – and I don’t see that, but maybe that’s because you’re better at hiding it.”
The truth of the matter is, I’m not unhappy. I have some amazing friends, I have a good job, I have my blog, my book, and my time to do things I want to do.
That’s not to say there aren’t times when I’m frustrated with Eurymakos. It doesn’t mean there aren’t times when I get depressed about my parents moving to Florida. Sometimes my job makes me want to just break down in tears at the pressure. But that’s the funny part about my relationship / friendship / whatever you want to call it with Eurymakos – it has given me the kind of inner peace in my life that I have always searched for but rarely found. I spent the first three months of our relationship running away from it because I was scared, but in the past three months, I have found this. I know that the rest of the world could be crumbling beneath me and everything would be okay as long as he was standing next to me. I mean, we aren’t dating, but just knowing he’s a text message, a phone call, an IM away gives me a kind of quiet strength that I didn’t know I had. Knowing that he’s in my life, and there for me makes me stronger, and happier and I think that when it comes down to it – that’s the true meaning of love. It’s what your best friendships, your relationships, your family should feel like.
You know, I started this post with a One Tree Hill quote because it kinda fit to the situation with my friend. I’m going to end it with another one, because it fits with my situation with Eurymakos.
“It has been said that there’s one word that will free us from the weight and the pain of life, and that word is love. I believe that. That doesn’t mean that it hasn’t been hard, or that it won’t be. It just means that, I found a stillness and bravery in myself with you. You make me brave.”
And that is worth fighting for, and as long as I have him in my life, I will never be lonely, or truly unhappy.