So Sunday I did something that I really regret. I’m not going to get into the details about it – but I had a moment that if I could take it back, I would in a heart beat. I let things get to me that I shouldn’t have, and because of that I ended up hurting someone that I care about.
It’s funny, because I was reading the boyfriend’s(?) blog, and he had this post a while ago about flailing. Specifically he wrote:
Do you ever feel trapped in the day to day doldrums? It’s an amazing feeling, when you look at your life and, even if things are going relatively well and you feel successful you just want to slam yourself against the perceived bars until something gives.
You know what’s amazing to me? The fact that on Thursday, he wrote about what I would end up doing on Sunday. Things were going so well in my life, I didn’t have anything to complain about really. I had just gotten back from an amazing vacation with him, and I spent the weekend with people I care about. Monday, I would be going back to a job, that while infinitely frustrating at times, is the perfect job for me right now. If an outsider was looking at my life, they would wonder what the hell I had to complain about.
And yet, I slammed myself against the perceived bars that were keeping me back until something gave.
The tragic thing about it, is when they finally gave, I realized that I would rather be back behind those bars, safe and sound. Unfortunately, it’s not something I can fix, or something that I can take back. When I slammed myself against those bars I didn’t quite realize my strength and that they would shatter, and now I’m just left staring at the pieces.
There’s always dreams though, which is what I’m about to do right now… sleep, and dream that it was all just a bad dream.