Lately, my brain has been a treacherous sort of brain. I’ll just be sitting there, driving my car with the boyfriend beside me and out of nowhere pops, “You love him.” This is causing me so much stress that I think it’s actually causing me to have migraines because I’m unable (or unwilling) to actually say the words out loud for a multitude of reasons.
The first one being, I’m not sure I can trust my brain yet when it comes to this. Those words should never be taken lightly – and I can’t tell if my brain is just reacting to similar situations and automatically making me think that. I mean, I was in a long term committed relationship for however long with someone else, and I more or less jumped right into this one. It’s possible that my brain isn’t really processing the person I’m with, and more the fact that I used to be able to say it often (and mean it) and now my brain feels like it’s a necessary part of the relationship. If that’s the case, do I really feel it? How do I know when it’s real and not just my brain thinking it’s real?
The second part is, I don’t want to put myself out there like that – I’m not ready to be hurt again like I was before and for some reason I suspect that saying those words out loud gives them power to hurt me. I mean, we’ve been together for two months at this point, friends for ten months, and there are still times when I’m in a state of disbelief that we’re actually together as a couple. He’s so much more intelligent, hotter, older, wiser, you name it, and I feel like he has it on me – and when you feel like a relationship is so unbalanced, that just means that eventually he’ll want to get rid of me and find someone who is more his equal.
(Of course, if he heard me say that outloud he would tell me I’m being too harsh on myself and that there are plenty of areas where I’m at his level or better – but I can’t shake the feeling when it comes to opening myself up for a world of pain.)
So instead of actually saying the words when they pop into my head, I ignore it. Not quite sure how long I can keep doing this though…