So, on the 18th, I’ll be officially doing whatever I’m doing with the guy I’m doing stuff with for a month. Time freakin’ flies man – because it seems like just yesterday he was telling me to lean over in my car so we could have a hot make out session. (And believe me, it was hot.) I mean technically, in the grand scheme of things, it was just yesterday, but I honestly didn’t think when I was leaning in for that kiss that it would be more than a rebound, a semi-drunken hook up, or an awkward kiss that we would subsequently realize was a horrible idea the next morning. Instead, I spend more nights than not in bed next to him, and I find myself becoming somewhat used to the fact that he’s around. One could even say I care a significant amount for him.
This is precisely what is leading to my semi-often freak outs about us – you see, what happens is my head is this:
1. I realize how much I really do care about him.
2. I then start thinking of all the ways he has the power to hurt me.
3. My fight or flight instinct kicks in and I try to pick flight.
4. He tells me that I’m being silly and manages to calm me down.
This is pretty much a weekly occurrence with him – as much as I try to stop it, I just can’t. It’s strange too, because it’s not that I don’t want to be with him – I do. In fact, I can’t imagine my life right now without him in it in some sort of way – and that was actually true before we added all the hot making out and cuddles. It’s just that after the relationship from hell, it’s hard to let someone in again – hard to open yourself up to the possibility of pain.
Luckily, he’s pretty much a saint when it comes to dealing with my miniature freak outs. There’s always a breaking point though, so I need to figure out how to get this shit under control.