Yesterday on facebook, a friend posted the following status:

Normally, I would just like a status to show support, but I was feeling kind of cheeky, so I commented back:

(Please note, the gentlemen in my profile picture is not the guy who I’m dating – that’s my brother, as it’s his birthday so he gets my profile picture dedicated to him.)

As the comments progressed though, I realized what I was saying was kind of true though.  You do have to go see the wizard when you’re going through a break up, and just like in the movie, the wizard will tell you that you had it in you all along.   I was blessed in that when I was going through my break up, I had some friends who never once wavered, who always had my back, and were there for me no matter how absolutely retarded I was being.   (And as Allie, April, Mary and Amr will tell you, there are still times when I’m being absolutely stupid and deserve a smack in the head.)   Even with that though, the power to get through a break up and make it out to the other side totally rests on you.  There are two factors that are to be considered when going through a break up and trying to make it out on the other side.

1.  Being happy is the key to everything, because it’s true that if you are happy (the majority of the time) and you shine brightly into other peoples lives, that they will want to continue to be around you.  It’s only your true friends (the four I listed above in my case) that will stick by you when you are being a stick in the mud.  (Figuratively, and sometimes literally.)

I’ll give you an example.  I’ve been at the company I’m currently at for 9 months.  A good 7 months of that I was dealing with the bullshit fall out from my relationship with Zack – it’s only been in the past two months that I’ve really moved on and stopped worrying about him.  Yet somehow, in that 9 months, I’ve become apparently a beacon of bright, shiny, happiness in the office.  There are multiple people who have told me that for the most part they love having me in the office because I’m always “happy” and generally in a good mood.  I personally think they are slightly insane, or don’t actually know what happy people look like – but that’s okay.  I have somehow faked it until I made it with regards to happiness, and because of that, I’ve managed to replace my old and busted Jimmy’s friends (who never had my back to begin with) with awesome new friends from work (who take my money when I play them in poker).

2.  Do not lash out on your true friends when you’re angry over a break up.  Or – to put it another way – respect your friendships that you do have, and want to maintain.  The hardest part about break ups is keeping your pain contained, and in many situations – it’s unreasonable to expect that you will manage to keep all those emotions inside.  In fact, it’s fairly common that you had a significant amount you want to say (or yell) at the person you’re breaking up with and for whatever reason can not do so.  The key here is to never, ever, lash out at the people around you because of it.  Transference as a method of coping is not coping at all – it’s just going to hurt other relationships you have.

That’s not to say you can’t cry on someone’s shoulder.  You can.  You can talk about what’s going on too – that is healthy and I suggest you do that.  (Although for what it’s worth – if you’re having a seriously hard time with the break up, it might be worthwhile to pay someone to listen to you.   Even the best of friends can get tired of that shit.)   The problem is when you start lashing out at the people around you because you can’t lash out at the person in question.  I can think of TWO times I did this with Zack – the first was with Brooke, and our relationship is permanently damaged by it.  We will probably never be friends like we were before because of how I handled that.   The second was with Mary – who just slapped me back into reality – and that’s because she was smart enough to recognize where all the anger and pain was coming from and didn’t hold it against me.   (We ended up parked in a driving crying it out, it was awesome.)

Anyways, those are the two major lessons I took from this break up – and I’m thinking that apparently some people need to hear them.  The wizard is yourself kiddos.  Make yourself happy and the rest will come.

How do you deal with a break up?   What is one of your biggest mistakes you’ve made during a break up?