Let me tell you a not-so-huge secret about myself.  I am addicted to 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom.  I watch them religiously, and while I could say it’s because it’s junk TV and I’m addicted to that – it’s really because it’s sort of a weird self punishment / validation thing.  10 years ago I was 17 and pregnant, and I made the decision to have an abortion instead of having the child.

Lately, for reasons you all will never know, I’ve been thinking a lot about the abortion and how my life would be changed right now if I hadn’t done it.  First, there’s the obvious – I’d have a 10 year old boy or girl, I’d be 8 years away from them attending college.

Now, the less obvious – I wouldn’t have had all the relationships I had – but considering how the last one went, would that really be such a bad thing?  Would I have gone to college?  You betcha – because that’s the kind of person I am – it just would’ve taken a little longer.

Half my friendships wouldn’t exist but I’d probably have other ones to replace them that would be equally as fulfilling in a different way.  The baby daddy still wouldn’t be in the picture because honestly he’s a waste of space – and I’d still be okay with that.

I wouldn’t have moved to Madison – or maybe I would have, and actually stayed because I wouldn’t have had Charlie here because I never would have met him.  My parents would still be retiring, and my brother and I might have a better relationship than the one we have now – especially if I had given birth to a little boy.

Honestly, I’d probably be in the same job I’m in right now.

See – the thing that I’m realizing, looking back on this decision 10 years later, is that I regret it.  I really regret it.  When I was younger, I looked at the abortion like no big thing.  At the time, I figured it was the best decision I made for myself and everyone involved.  I did peer counciling for other girls and told them that the pain would get better – because they had might the right decision.  They were barely children, how could they raise children?  How could I?

But it sneaks up on you.  It sneaks up on you when you’re 27 in bed thinking that 10 years and a week ago you made the decision to end what could have been your child’s life.  The regret creeps in and you start thinking about how your life could have been different – how it could have been better or worse.  You start to see kids that are roughly the age your child would be and you see yourself in them and wonder how you could have been so stupid.  You see, the truth is – it was stupid of me to get pregnant at such a young age, but it was even more stupid for me to terminate that pregnancy.

I was strong enough then to do it – I just didn’t know it and was influenced by the people around me at the time.  Truth be told, I would have risen to the occasion and I would have been a damn good mother.

And that’s not to say that all people are like me.  I’m sure there are people out there who don’t regret the decision the made.  I’m just saying, for most people, it’s not as easy as it seems.  It’s all hard, and every decision you make if you get pregnant when you’re that age – whether it’s adoption, abortion, or actually having the child is going to change your life forever.