Now that I’m over the initial crying my eyes out every night phase of the break up with Zack, I’m starting to think of the realities of my life without him – and one thing is bringing me dread more than anything else. The prospect of actually sleeping with someone else besides him is pretty much the most annoying and frightening experience ever. You see, from the first time that Zack and I hooked up (drunkenly, on Christmas Eve) we were pretty much always in sync when it came to bedroom games. There was never any time where there was something he did that made me uncomfortable, or vise-versa. In short, the sex with Zack was always amazing. (It was so amazing in fact, we used to joke that we were pretty much built for each other.)
Now that I’m facing the prospect of having to have sex with someone besides Zack – I’m having flashbacks to a life that I thought I had forgotten. While I was with Zack, all my previous partners and sexcapades were pretty much banished from my mind by the sheer awesomeness of the sex we were having. Now that we’re not – they are slowly creeping back in and I’m remembering all the awkward, uncomfortable, annoying sexual moments I’ve ever had – and that I’m sure I will face again as I bravely enter this new world of singledom.
So, since pretty much everyone googles their dates before they date them (remember, it’s not stalking, it’s research!) – this is for you, potential boyfriend/casual sex buddy/guy trying to take me home from the bar. This is the list of five things you could do in bed that will make me immediately turn and run. (Seriously! In fact, I might not even take the time to put my clothes back on.)
5. ”The Jackhammer”
Gentleman, I don’t know why at this age I need to tell you this, but the vagina is a gentle flower that is meant to be caressed and loved. Yes – there are times when I might want it a little rough, and there are times where the jackhammer, for short spurts, might even be enjoyable. However, if only thing you know how to do is go full speed ahead from the minute you get me undressed, I’m just going to push you off and tell you to get lost.
4. Constantly Asking For Head
I know, I am AWESOME at sucking dick. But you should know, that I only do it for people I really care about – and typically only a couple months into the relationship. In fact, I can count on one hand the amount of guys that I’ve done that too despite my amazing skill – so it’s more likely that we’ll be broken up because you did something else on this list before you get to experience it. If you are constantly asking for it, I’m just going to get pissed off and kick you the curb. Blow jobs are a privilege, not a right – and you should respect that. (Although, should you make it to the period where I am comfortable doing this, I’m pretty sure you will find it was definitely worth the wait.)
3. Comparing Yourself To Other Guys
We’re done, and we’re laying in the post coital glow, and then comes out of your mouth, “Bet so and so didn’t make you feel like that.” Guess what – he did. And I’m actually going to tell you that whoever it was made me feel 1000x better than the sex we had just to piss you off. Everyone is different and has different styles of things in bed, but comparing yourself to someone else that I slept with will get you nowhere, mostly because of the universal rule – there’s always someone better than you out there. And chances are, if you feel the need to compare yourself to other guys, I’ve already slept with one of them. (Regardless of it’s the truth.)
*** This is not the same as comparing yourself to future guys. For instance, it is entirely appropriate to tell me that I will never get sex like that from another guy, however, if I take this a challenge and decide to prove you wrong, don’t get upset.
2. Say, “You just haven’t had it done by me.”
Let me tell you something – while you are right, I haven’t had it done to me by you, but I have had it done. The fact that I’m saying no to this means there’s something about it that I’ve already tried and didn’t like. Your cocky ego about your skills, which is actually probably undeserved because some girl who fancied herself in love with you probably said you were the man when you really aren’t isn’t going to change my mind. In fact, there’s only one guy in my entire life who managed to utter these words and keep sleeping with me because he had the tongue to prove it… which leads me to number 1…
1. You Insist on Going Down There
I DO NOT LIKE GUYS EATING ME. Here, let me repeat that because you didn’t get it the first time. I DO NOT LIKE GUYS EATING ME. I am not a cake, I am not a chicken leg, your mouth should go nowhere down there. Period. It does absolutely nothing for me, because instead of thinking about how good it feels, I’m thinking about the things that I have to do at work tomorrow, or the fact that my laundry is piling up. It is the worlds most boring sex activity ever, and nothing you say or do is going to change my mind. ”But, but, but… you just said someone had the tongue to prove it, so you must have enjoyed it then.” Yes, there were certain things that I enjoyed with Zack, but that doesn’t mean I’ll enjoy them with you, so really, don’t even bother trying. It’s not worth it, and it’s just going to piss me off if I give you the shot and end up thinking about laundry or baseball. (And I don’t even like baseball!)