So recently, Jamie did a post on the best zombie movies.  I was kind of saddened that the Dawn of the Dead remake wasn’t on there, because it was clearly one of the only zombie remakes worth a shit, but some people like their zombies slow moving and easy to get away from, and some people like them fast.  (It’s all about your adventure level really – and probably how many Resident Evil video games you’ve played.)

To tell the truth, I only have one beef with the Dawn of the Dead remake, and that’s the tragic of murder of Zombie Baby #1.  (The baby never gets a name in the movie so from here on out will be referred as ZB1.)

Talk about a face only a mother could love.

Pictured above is ZB1, born in the mall to Mekhi Phifer and an unknown latina chick.  Mekhi Phifer actually had a good idea, his girlfriend was pregnant and infected, so he strapped her to a bed and helped her to give birth.  The result is the adorable baby you see above.  The rest of the people in the mall were obviously in shock, because some old bitch ended up shooting Phifer to death over his plan, and then the “hero” ended up shooting the baby in the face.

Did you hear that?  THEY SHOT THAT ADORABLE BABY IN THE FACE!

Now – let’s talk about why was the biggest mistake in Dawn of the Dead.  First we’ll start by examining what we know of the zombies and the zombie contagion by this point in this movie:

1)  The zombie contagion is not an airborn virus
2)  It can only be spread through biting (and possibly nail scratches.)
3)  Zombies are the living dead, they don’t need air to breathe
4)  Zombies don’t grow up

Now – let’s talk about what we know about babies:

1)  They grow up
2)  They are helpless
3)  All they do is eat, shit, laugh and sleep

So, let’s take that merge it together.  ZB1 is a small helpless creature that eats, sleeps, shits and laughs, and has a virus that is spread through it biting or scratching other people.  However, because it doesn’t need to breathe (since it’s the living dead) you could easily put duct tape over it’s mouth and nails, and keep ZB1 around for fun or research.  In fact, because ZB1 never grows up, she will remain totally harmless kept in the right conditions for all of eternity.

Now, the main character, Ana, is shown to be a nurse throughout the movie – true, she’s not a research doctor, but who knows – maybe if they had kept ZB1 around she would be able to start research with could lead to the end of the zombie contagion.  Think of the expirements you could do on ZB1 to see if there’s a cure, or an antidote?

You see, the people in Dawn of the Dead had the way to cure the zombie apocalypse and shot in the head.  For shame.

What is your plan for the Zombie Apocalypse?

Stephanie is a 27 year old living outside of Washington, DC.

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