One of the things about when a relationship ends that drives me absolutely batshit crazy is when people tell you that, “You deserve better.” The idea that any one person deserves anything in any relationship is a complete anathema to me. Let’s look at this:
So, when people tell you that you deserve better than the relationship that you’re in – it means they are telling you that they think you are worthy of a better relationship.
First off, who are they to decide what you are worthy of, and what you are not? The majority of the people who are chiming in the end of the relationship have only seen one side when they’re doing it – typically the person they are telling deserves betters. Nevermind the fact that they are basing it all on one side of things. They don’t know the full story, and they don’t understand everything that has happened. Without knowing that – how can anyone say that someone is any more worthy than what they currently have? Ridiculous.
The other thing is, and this is something that I hate more than anything else, is it’s an empty phrase. It’s something that everyone says to everyone. Anytime a break up happens, or you lose your job, or someone does something awful, it’s “You deserve better.” It’s a way for people to pep you up without actually having to analyze your actions and give you an honest opinion of the situation taking your faults into account too. It’s the friend equivalent of a guys response to, “Do I look fat in this dress.” The answer is always going to be, “No”, just like in a break up, a friends response is always going to be, “You deserve better.”
As such, I am striking these particular three words in that particular structure from my vocabulary.
I don’t deserve $1,000,000 dollar just because I’m a good person. In life, you get what you work for, and relationships are no different.
Stephanie is a 27 year old living outside of Washington, DC.If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to the RSS feed. Thank you, and have a wonderful day!
“I don’t deserve $1,000,000 dollar just because I’m a good person. In life, you get what you work for, and relationships are no different.”
True, but you do deserve basic human compassion, respect, courtesy and fairness, just the same as everyone else does.
That is true – but in the situation of Zack and I for instance, I can honestly say when we were fighting, I wasn’t giving him those same considerations. So once we started fighting, who’s to say I didn’t get exactly what I deserved from him? (IE: What I was dishing out?)
(Not to say that every fight started with me being like that – it was certainly a split, but once it got going, it was fair game on both sides, ya know?)
another way to look at the phrase “you deserve better” is a nice way of saying that people think that the other person is a piece of shit. However a person reads into what someone else says to them is completely up to them but like only knowing one side of the story, don’t look at one side of a comment.
Matt, you have an excellent point – but even so the people are then implying that you weren’t a piece of shit to them. How do they know?
I hate to say it, but I completely agree with Laura on this one. Every person deserves a certain level of basic human compassion, respect, courtesy and fairness, so if you weren’t getting that then you did deserve better. On the flip side, if you weren’t giving that to him.. he deserved better, but it doesn’t change the fact that that type of behavior is deserved.. by everyone.
I completely agree.
You can have a pretty good feeling of how someone treats their significant other by how they treat others, act in different situations and in past relationships. It is easy to overlook actions when you believe that you love the person but usually they treat you the exact same as they treat everyone else. If someone is a fighter they are going to fight you. If someone is a douchebag to everyone else, they are going to be a douchebag to you too. If someone cheats on all of their past sigificant others, at some point they are going to do it to you too. People can hide crazy for a while, but at some point it will come to the surface.
When friends tell you that you can do better you can take it to heart that they thought you were dating beneath you. Now, if random Joe Shmow walks up to you and says you can do better take that as blowing smoke at you.
Nice people do deserve $1,000,000 but they will never have it because they will give it to the people that need it or get it taken from them by the assholes of the world.
I look at it this way, saying “you deserve better” is an oppertunity. I feel it can mean you will find someone better while leaving the oppertunity for your most recent relationship to be repaired with no ill will from your significant other or your firends. Steph, we all know it takes two to fight and noone is perfect. But I do feel that your firends are doing their best to support you during these difficult times. They do this out of respect and love for you, I do consider friendship a form (if even an extremely mild form) of love. Granted it’s not the kind of love you desire, but it is love none the less. As for the million dollars, screw that. I would rather have good people around me that are there throught thick and thin when I am broke than have a bunch of vultures who hover when I am wealthy and run away when things get tough. It is my hope that whenthe dust from all this relationship has settled, you will reflect on it and recognize your errors and fix them. Keeping in mind that your real friends have shown their true colors to you and bearing in mind that it takes two to break up. You seem to focus all of the blame on yourself, we know you arent perfect, but if life were a scale or percentage meter I think all of us would agree your definately above the 75% range toward kindness and good. Just my 2 cents worth. Gods Blessing unto you Steph.
It is an empty phrase that in a instance makes u feel better but it also can make u reflect and truly think of what went wrong and as to how things could of work and as to what you deserve which like you said being compassion, love, respect, a mutual consideration and all that jazz. Nothing is perfect but it takes two people to make things work and one person or both can really fuck things up though they don’t mean for it to happen or if one meant for it to happen. Man now you have me thinking. shit. -_-
“You deserve better,” is a throw away line used by someone who has already moved on and really doesn’t give a damn. It really means ‘I deserve better’ and am looking for the bigger better deal. Feigning compassion is troll-like.
Long story short…life can suck but in time we move on or cross paths with that person again. What meant to be is meant to be and if someone truly loves you they wont let you go. Live, learn, crash and burn, get back up wipe ur ass and stand proud. Love it give and take. its all should be compromise and sacrifice. It is selfless
Get drunk. That’s a better phrase
It’s a nicety, yes, an empty comment. It’s an awkward conversation & someone trying to end it on a positive note. What should they say? “Steph, I really don’t wanna’ talk about your breakup. It’s awkward?” or “Steph, I’m sure you did things to damage this outcome. Fix yourself for the next one.” A good girlfriend will support you dissecting & hashing through it once or twice (’cause you’d do the same for her). But, most others want you to know they care & probably share your pain without a complete analysis. It’s just an attempt at ending a conversation on a positive note.